


sex ed class

by TheQueenInTheNorth



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, I dont know why im doing this, inspired by a 'bad education' episode... u know the one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-19
Updated: 2016-09-19
Packaged: 2018-08-15 13:15:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8057836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheQueenInTheNorth/pseuds/TheQueenInTheNorth
Summary: Hogwarts decides they need sex ed classes. Professor Riddle isn't thrilled.





	sex ed class

"I have to what?"Professor Tom Riddle stared at Dumbledore blankly. The man gave him one of his annoyingly twinkly smiles."The board of governors thinks we should start holding sex education classes. And I feel students would be most comfortable discussing matters with their respective Head of House."

He let that sink in. Damn Dumbledore; no wonder he had so happily offered the post of Head of Slytherin to him."So I'm supposed to explain things they've probably already figured out themselves to a bunch of hormonal teenagers?"

"Basically, yes." Dumbledore was still smiling kindly."Lemon drop?"

"No, thanks,"he said stiffly and turned to leave. As he closed the door, he could've sworn he heard the old coot chuckling.

* * *

He frowned at the teenagers staring back at him in varying degrees of anticipation, boredom, and discomfort. For now, Years Five to Seven would be the only ones to have sex ed, which thankfully meant he would only have to suffer through it all once. The group was big, but not too big. It was a rare time where all four Heads of House agreed. No one wanted to teach this class, especially not more than once.

Damn Poppy for suggesting the students would rather hear it from their Heads.

There was some giggling and blushing already, and he hadn't even started yet. Andromeda Black and Violetta Burke were whispering excitedly. Rodolphus Lestrange kept tearing out diagrams of books and chucking them at his younger brother. Lucius Malfoy did his best to seem dignified but blushed with every (increasingly filthy) word out of Thorfinne Rowle's mouth. Bellatrix Black was reapplying her bloodred lipstick while making entirely too much eye-contact for his liking.

With a sigh, he resigned himself to his fate as Alecto Carrow handed him the box he'd passed around the classroom for everyone to put their questions in anonymously. Grabbing one at random, he unfolded it and read the question out.

" _He's fourty-one, I'm sixteen. What would it feel like?_ " He slapped the note down onto his desk."Illegal, Bellatrix!"

"Only for another few months, sir,"she said, all innocent smile and fluttering eyelashes. He ignored her, unfolding the next note." _If I have sex in the lake, will the baby be a mermaid?_ For Merlin's sake, are there any serious questions in here?"

He picked up another piece of parchment." _Should I stop throttling them when their lips go blue?_ Honestly, Rabastan, I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer."

He put that question asided, too, already dreading what he would read next." _Can humans and giants produce offspring?_ Ah, finally. Not really pertinent to our current topic, perse, but an actual question." He frowned."Oh, wait. There's a part two. _How can you tell someone is part giant? I think I might be, mainly because of my huge c_ \- Twenty points from Slytherin."

He decided to read them fully before reading them aloud. That way, he threw out five more questions, before the sixth question gave him pause. He reread it, took out his wand, and Incendio'd the note.

"I think that might have been one of mine, sir,"Bellatrix said helpfully.

"I think it might have been,"he ground out through clenched teeth, to Rodolphus and Andromeda howling with laughter. Bellatrix simply smiled."But sir, I really, _really_ need an answer for that. Or maybe you could just show -"

"I ought to give you detention." She leaned forward, eyes sparkling with mirth, mouth opening to say something that he was sure he didn't want to hear. He held up a hand to stop her."But I won't."

She sank back into her chair with a pout. Two detentions ago, she'd shown up in something that would have surely given her father a heartattack. When he'd pointed out that detention was technically part of the school day and thus required wearing of the school uniform, she had scowled but agreed. For her last detention, she'd arrived in what he was sure had been _Narcissa's_ school uniform instead. It was perfectly appropriate wear for a thirteen-year-old. On her smirking older sister not so much.

He rubbed his temples with a heavy sigh."Right, are there any _serious_ questions?"

The classroom fell completely silent. Then, after a good two minutes, Rodolphus slowly raised his hand."Uh - what's a clitoris?"

Bellatrix was doubled over her table, shrieking with laughter. Lucius had gone so red it looked as if his head was about to explode. A good number of the boys leaned closer expectantly.

Before he could decided if the question wasn't meant as a joke, and if so, just how to answer, Violetta Burke was already shouting her own answer across the room,"Dromeda can show you! Won't you, Dromeda?"

"Sure,"Andromeda shrugged and got up.

"No!"he yelped."Keep your clothes on and sit back down!"

She did as she was told, and he vehemently pretended not to notice her mouthing _Later_ in Rodolphus's direction.

One of these Black girls would eventually be the death of him, he was sure. But that was a problem for another day. He sighed deeply."Alright, you've tied my hands - don't even say it, Bellatrix. No more questions. I'm breaking out the diagrams."


End file.
